In Danger of Becoming a Smug Couply Person

So I've (pretty much) come to terms with the fact that I am in a relationship. We've been seeing each other for like A WHOLE MONTH! Which is something of a record for me these days seeing as how he's not all like, emotionally unavailable an that.

No, this one doesn't have an ex girlfriend, or ex wife or ex anything to distract him and despite my previous panic I'm now actually enjoying being his 'girlfriend'. I even bought him a toothbrush. Now how's that for commitment?

The only thing I AM worried about is that I was on the phone to my single friend the other night (the one that I always used to complain to about the damn happy couply people with) and I started saying all the things that I used to hate. Like; 'it won't be like this forever, I never thought I'd meet anyone and then low and behold I met N in a place where I never thought I'd meet anyone' and 'no, if it's not right kick him to the curb... you need to be with someone who you KNOW is right - even if he doesn't tick all your boxes'.

I used to get so pissed off with people for saying that kind of thing. I'd think - 'how the hell do you know?! I could be on my own forever'. And now here I am throwing caution to the wind like all those other crazy fools that I've criticised in the past.

But you know what? N looks after me. He wants to help me out. He doesn't put me down or make me feel bad (even when I accidentally throw red wine all over his favorite shirt). He makes me feel good about being me and like maybe I may have a future with someone.

I checked in with my friend to make sure I wasn't being unbearable and she said not. I'm glad. I hope she'll tell me if I get like that.

And you know what? I'm just going to enjoy this feeling.

Now if I can just stop him going on about my biological clock....

The Rise and Rise of the Commitmentophobe

Well I met a boy (man really), not on the internet but in real life and well - he's pretty keen. We get on really well, I fancy him, he fancies me but... Why is there always a but?

Despite the fact that I do really like him and I think the relationship has 'potential' (he knows how to discuss politics and he can spell and stuff) I still have this niggle... I'm scared of losing my freedom; my independence.

It's not that I think that all of a sudden he's going to stop me going out and seeing my mates and stuff like that; he doesn't strike me as the type. I'm scared of having to consider someone else. At all. Selfish aren't I?

We were talking last night (during a night in watching Strictly - how couply is that?!), chatting about family and so on and he said 'you'll have to meet my mum soon'. I can only imagine from his reaction that a look of sheer panic passed across my face because the next thing he said was 'have I said the wrong thing?'. What is UP with me?! Why does that freak me out so much - surely if you want to be in a relationship all that family meeting stuff is just par for the course..

I think my problem with it is that once you meet the family there is a certain level of expectation; from them, from you, and of the relationship. Or am I just freaking myself out? I think I may be.

So now I'm doing what I always do by thinking that if I'm having doubts then maybe it's not right. But I ALWAYS do that. And he's great - there is no reason that it shouldn't work apart from me being an idiot. I need to get my friends to sort me out I reckon.

50/50

Well the meeting went well. Thanks for your messages of support. I think it will be between me and another dealer and I should know within the next two weeks so keep everything crossed for me until then please!

I still haven't quite got over the representative from our partner company (who A also asked to mentor me) telling me that if I can't have a relationship without arguing then I have issues that I may need some 'help' to work out. Erm.. Thanks love - I need your help to sell into the corporate market. If I want relationship advice I'll write to Dear Deirdre.

I can't understand why so many people in my work-life are so obsessed with me finding a man. Yeah it'd be nice, but I'm not losing any sleep over it so why should they? I keep getting people telling me that it would 'stabilise' me. I'm not unstable! Piss off!

Had a good chat with A after the meeting too; there are lots of opportunities presenting themselves at work at the moment and I think I just have to bide my time and hopefully one that fits me will come along. Or - they'll just keep promoting my colleagues.

PMA

I've just come back from a run so I thought I'd knock out a quick post whilst the endorphins are still zipping about in my system; it's going to be a positive one.

Right, number a) I am going to be doing a presentation tomorrow that could be worth £38k. That would wipe the floor with James for the year. It's more that his accumulated profit so far. Fingers crossed guys.

Number b) I must say that I'm looking pretty good at the moment. My resolution when I came back from India was to start taking more care over my appearance and I have to say it's making me feel much better. Plus all the gym sessions and running means I'm slimmer and fitter than ever. Booyah!

Number c) If I do get this deal it would pay off the remainder of my debt in one go. Whoop!

Number d) I had a lovely weekend with my three favorite women in the world; my sister, my mum and my niece.

Life is not so bad; frustrating at times, but not so bad.

Saturation point.

I'll give you a brief overview of what has happened over the last week;

We have a new Ops Manager, as I may have mentioned. He's very flirty with all of the women and very much the diplomat. We have worked together on various different projects and I thought we were getting on really well.

The week before last, on a Friday I had a long conversation with A where we ironed out some of our differences (which is good) but he also dropped a bit of a bomb-shell which is that the Ops Manager was recommending my colleague, James, for promotion into the Sales Manager's role.

To make things clear to you guys, this is not a job that I want. I can't be bothered with the stress of being promoted above my colleagues. It's hard enough just to get on with them let alone having to manage them and I know that they'd be so bitter about it that they'd make it as hard as possible. I know that this is the role that A sees me in and maybe I'd do it within a different company as he's suggested before (like if he bought a company and I'd have new staff to manage) but this particular role? No thanks.

But I don't want James as my boss either. I know, I know... I sound like I'm being bitter but I can't help it. He's not even a team player let alone a people manager. He's lied and cheated and manipulated to get leads from management. He also makes a big thing about only working part time hours etc and as I said in my previous post, he's the one who has his work phone switched off when they track us on a Friday afternoon. James and I don't get on. How am I going to cope with having him telling me what to do?

So it's not set in stone (or so A told me) but the Ops Manager made the suggestion to A (Managing Director) and the Chairman and came straight out of the meeting and called James to tell him what he was recommending. James then called A to tell him how pleased he was. So how can A then say that it's not going to happen without undermining the Ops Manager? He can't. Clever Ops Manager.

The other tit bit of info that A gave me was that when he was chatting to the Ops Manager about me, when he suggested me for management the Ops manager winced. Can you believe that?

So in an endeavor to find out what the fudge is going on in this guy's head I asked to see both him and A to talk about my prospects within the organisation and the proposed new structure of the business. I went along with some great ideas for a new role for someone (i.e. me) to manage the relationship between our company and the business partner companies - the other companies who's products we sell. Whilst in the meeting A repeatedly tried (by taking various hypothetical positions out of the equations) to make me say that I wanted the sales manager's role which eventually I did, but like; 'if there was no other way I could move up within the company then yes, I would go for the sales manager role'. I then turned to the Ops Manager and said 'do you think that I would be good in a manager's role' and he replied; 'I don't know'.

Now I'm not being funny but if you thought that someone was so unsuitable for a role that when someone asks for your opinion you wince, surely you should have some kind of feedback as to why? The fact that he said 'I don't know' makes me think that he is not bothered about my development at all. So maybe if he'd have said, 'I think that you'd be more suited to....' or 'I think you have some areas to work on first, such as....' I'd think, OK, fair enough. I could work with that. But he didn't.

Since all this started I've had advice from A, and H, and my mum and just about everyone else and I have now reached saturation point. I'm exhausted by it. I'm just going to get my head down for a while and do my job. I'm not sure what to do about the job hunt either - maybe I should wait a while and see how the dust settles. I know that I'll have to apply for this position whether I want it or not so maybe I'll get something else out of it.

I can't help thinking that one of the reasons that the Ops Manager didn't put me forward is that I don't respond to his flirting and that he can't manipulate me. I also think that he's a little sexist and finds strong women quite intimidating. I have my suspicions that he has a really tiny penis too.

Conundrum

So you work your ass off; take as much advice as you can from the powers that be, go above and beyond the call of duty, make sure you’re prepared for every meeting, state your intentions, let them all know how ambitious you are and help to improve the procedures within the company. You do all this and still self generate all of your own sales and come joint 1st on the league table.

He works part time hours on a full time contract. He states this in front of you and your colleagues on a regular basis, he doesn’t work on Fridays. He talks about sex openly and crudely in front of colleagues and business associates alike. When the company decides to track everyone, he’s the one with his phone switched off. He is given handed sales leads to convert and comes joint 1st on the league table.

So when it comes down to it; who gets offered a promotion?

100th Post!!

Is it too much to be looking for a new job and love at the same time? Probably. Can I sustain that level of rejection? Hmmm... Not sure.

I'm fed up with work. I'm fed up with busting my ass for sales only to have all the other elements involved fuck it all up at the last minute and I'm fed up of getting crap commission so I'm looking for a job. Not the best time though is it? Ah well - we'll see what happens.

On the love front; I messaged two blokes and they didn't message me back. What's all that about? I dunno - no wonder us women wait for the blokes to make the first move. But hey, I feel your pain fellas - you guys are expected to just get used to the rejection.

I'm also fed up of A not being able to keep his emotions in check. This is where everyone gets to have a little gloat cos they told me that my relationship with him would cause me problems. He needs to get his ass to Vipassana - that's where I learned to rationalise my emotions.

I'll let you know how it goes. Happy 100th my lovelies. x